High school drama

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Hey dolls! Welcome to my next blog of discovering what it was like in my teenage years trying to understand who I was as a person. Throwing it all the way back to high school is when I was just a young gay boy who would wear makeup time to time. High school was one of the worst times in my life, but was also the beginning of becoming a strong person. It was hard being the only boy in school who was questioned for their sexuality. I remember I tried to act straight as possible in my first year of school but everyone has their suspicions and opinions, and it wouldn’t be left unsaid.

When I was a young teenager entering my first few years of high school I wasn’t all that happy. I was depressed for such a long time. You know when people get asked what their ‘happy place’ was? Most would say hanging with their friends and family, going out partying, my happy place was when I would stay up late and dress up at home. I remember I used to always buy wigs and hide them in my room because I loved having long hair. I would just put makeup on, throw a wig on and just feel my absolute best and dress up with whatever I could find to make me feel feminine. I feel bad for my sisters sometimes because I used to always take their clothes haha. I had so much fun doing this, its what excited me, made me feel somewhat myself. But the worst part of all this was taking it all off and going back to reality. Back to all my thoughts thinking, boys don’t wear makeup, boys don’t think about wearing dresses and having long hair. So why was I? I was never happy as a boy. I was never happy feeling like I have to be a masculine human, I can’t show any signs of weakness because that’s not manly enough. I have to wear boy clothes, I have to dress a certain way, I have to speak with a deeper voice. Why? Because I was a boy. I’ve always been one to keep to myself. I would never seek help from anyone, I would just keep all my thoughts and feelings to myself because I was scared what people would think. I remember the first person I came out gay to was my friend Jaz. We were literally inseparable and I remember just one day messaging her on Facebook saying I’m gay. She didn’t care, I was still the same person to her. That’s what I wanted. After messaging her, I decided to tell more and more people because I just become so confident and having something lifted off my chest. Everyone at school suspected it anyway so I felt like just my close friends should know the truth then I could actually be myself with them.

Entering the last year of school is when I would wear a full face of makeup. I became much more confident. I didn’t really care what anyone at school thought of me, and so many people admired that. Being myself. But at the same time, I had so many negative comments from school kids, it wasn’t every day you saw a boy who would wear makeup. There was so many comments thrown around about it, I guess people didn’t understand that we’re all individuals and can live our own life how we want.

I felt so alone in school when it come towards teachers as I felt very awkward with how they would perceive me. I felt as if I was always judged by many, but one teacher in particular was the most heart-warming, most accepting teacher’s that I’ve ever had, Mrs. Spencer. Mrs. Spencer taught me cooking and health throughout the years of high school when I picked the subject. I got along with her the most, more than any other teacher. I had many chats with her discussing who I was as a person and she admired my characteristics. Mrs. Spencer is a true role model, of how teachers should be towards their students and I couldn’t be more thankful for having her as a teacher. We remain in contact today, and yes i have her approval of using her name for those wondering if this is allowed hehe.

As time went by it also became a thing in the public of who I was. I remember going to the city and I would have so many girls racing up to me wanting to talk and tell me how they admire my makeup and confidence going out into the cruel world being myself. It made me feel so good, but you know that saying, ‘one step forward, and two steps back.’ I got so much hate from heterosexual males. I still do. They would always say things to me in public. Basic degrading words like ‘faggot,’ ‘poof,’ I heard it all. It made me feel so insecure, but I knew at this point makeup was my life. It’s what made me happy. And I wasn’t going to make something that means so much and makes me so happy because some boys don’t like it. So I continued doing what I was doing, some people loved, some people hated, but that’s life for you.

I started doing a lot of my friend’s makeup. And I soon realised that I could make something out of this. I could make a hobby of mine, a job forever. I started to become a freelance MUA. I created a makeup Instagram, started of doing some friends makeup, and then got some clients in Adelaide who I didn’t know. It was a growing process of followers and a cliental base to really build up my brand. I adored doing peoples makeup, I loved the fact that I made someone feel confident in their own skin. Making them feel beautiful is what I wanted to achieve at the end of each makeup session. Doing makeup made me so happy, but I knew that deep down I still haven’t fulfilled my true happiness in myself. I used makeup as a distraction to try and make myself feel better, but it was just another way of not being able to achieve being Blake.